Like a fish

I taped the above after he’d already done it 100 times. I had said, “that was awesome.” a 100 times. Is that how I sound in real life? I thought I had more of a sexy, smoky voice. No?

We are blessed with a very cool community pool.  Lots of fun slides and high dives to hurt yourself on.  But no one does get hurt. Because the pool is literally overflowing with lifeguards. You have to work hard to have fun there without a whistle going off and a high schooler yelling at you.

My girl is pretty much over going there and hanging out – unless she can bring a gaggle of girls with her. But my boy, he loves it. And since she’s away and I ignored him all morning with work calls – we ran to the pool this afternoon.

He loves it there. He told me today that “the pool is my home mom”.  He’s in Phelps/Olympics mode (minus the bong).

He’s got the bug. Just like all helicopter parents in the world, we usually try to capitalize on these fleeting fancies. Who knows – this may be his thing. His passion.  Or not. And in reality, I’m no helicopter parent. Shocked? Didn’t think so – although I try.

Here he is pretending to be a diver – except landing on his back, with a thump. It’s the anti-olympics – the person who makes the biggest splash wins! He’s golden. (sorry about the grainy shot).

Nightmare night

Last night was the worst night of sleep ever…how many times can I say the word night.  Here’s how it went – last night:

11:45pm – went to bed after watching the Olympics (go Phelps, Franklin, and the American Gymnastics team!!)

2:30am – woke up, got out of bed, dragged a comb across…haha.. Apologies to the Beatles. No. Woke up, had some water, checked my messages – realized no one I know writes me after 10pm. Went back to bed.

4:45am – jerked awake from some sort of falling dream. What does it all mean? I’m nervous? I’m afraid? Or was it the tomato sauce at dinner? Went to the bathroom – my husband grumbled and asked if I was OK, then promptly fell asleep – I tried to talk to him and he put his head under the covers. I had important stuff to say.

5:35am – his alarm goes off – it sounds like a fog horn by my face.  I grumble because it feels like an hour before he leisurely turns it off. I am convinced he hates me.

5:46am – he walks around like an elephant, stomping in and out of the room, slamming drawers, clearing his throat and putting on his socks – loudly.  (I think he would have a different story but it’s my blog).

6:00am – he leaves for work. I’m up. Must. Have. Coffee.

The Isle is full of…

Dear Olympic Opening Ceremonies,

Where do I begin.  I’ll start where you started. Sheep. Actually you started with a short film, but I have literally nothing to say about it. I stuck with you for almost 5 hours.  The sheep were cute. How very English of you. Then began a mixed up, jumbled, mess that included everything from Kenneth Branagh reading Shakespeare (that part I liked) to the Queen jumping out of a helicopter with James Bond.  The only person more bored than me was Daniel Craig.

I really wanted to like it. I didn’t expect China. I didn’t even expect Sydney, Greece or Atlanta.  I even forgave the NBC commentary – oh sorry, that’s a lie – Matt Lauer and Meredith Viera were awful.  And Ryan Seacrest interviewing athletes? What did we do to deserve that? Was Bob Costas tied in a closet somewhere? Could we not find one person actually connected with sports?

Back to the actual ceremony.  I’ll skip complaining about the historical lesson via redecorating the stadium and go right to the worst part.  This may be because I’m bitter about our national heath care – but an entire 45 minute production about how much you love your medical plans seems, I dunno, batshit.

Then – to add to the creepiness – giant, scary balloon type monsters appear to herald all the great literature of England?? What?  No Alice, No Harry or Hermione.  Just Mary Poppins in all black.

Oh Danny boy…

By hour 3 I had given up and given in. I tried to tune to another channel – but I couldn’t do it. I had to watch the whole hot mess.  David Beckham in a speed boat without a speedo on? Of no use to me people. Flying/bicycle riding monkeys, musical mash-ups, and then finally – a predictable, flat-line performance of “Hey Jude”.  Why that song? So the audience could sing along? We are big Beatles fans in our house (huge) and even we were rolling our eyes.  By “we” I mean me. I was the only one hanging on by then. Everyone else had smartly gone on with their lives.

Sorry to be a pisser, as you say. Let me end with some positives.  I loved all the random shots of Wills and Kate. I could have watched an hour of them watching the ceremonies.  I loved the shots of the Queen during the singing of the National Anthem – frowning and wearing pink sparkles. Lovely. Mr. Bean was funny too. And expected. And welcome. And that’s about it.

Please note that this will in no way deter me from tuning in every day until the end. Then I’ll give you another chance with the closing ceremonies. By then I will have watched gymnastics, swimming, archery, beach volleyball, and fencing. I will have forgotten all about weirdo kids jumping on beds and the big multiculty statements you tried to make.  Lucky for you – like most of the world – I have terrible short term memory.

So thanks for the effort.  You didn’t earn a medal and I’m sure you know you screwed up, but we love you anyway.

Best,

Crabby blogger from the U.S.

Call of the wild

Today’s post was supposed to be about the following things:  picking up my babies from camp & the Olympics.

I plan to be at the gates of the camp as soon as it opens. Just kidding. Not really. The two weeks both flew by and took forever. I’ll never send them away again. Just kidding. Not really.

The Olympic opening ceremonies are on tonight!  Danny Boyle directed the production so I fully expect a little “jai ho” slipped in there. When I was little, the summer olympics were a major ritual in our house. Cooking shows were tuned off. Bollywood movies were put on hold for it. It was big.

So of course I sprung out of bed and bolted downstairs to post this before my big day – and look what I found waiting for me.

**warning** This is gross, offensive, disgusting and revolting (that’s how I felt anyway).  For your protection I only included a thumbnail photo.

Sorry. But I think you need to know what happens here.  It’s like a war zone.

I did what any sane person would do – I screamed and woke my husband up to clean it. He came downstairs, said a few swear words and told me that the cat is sick.

Yes…Sick. Twisted. Wild. Needs to be in the woods. This is why we shouldn’t have pets indoors. What were we talking about?

This now concludes the overshare.

I’m going to go back to my happy place now. A place that does not involve cat puke or poop or whatever that was!