Today is our 25th anniversary. Our silver jubilee!
Last night at 10:40pm my husband of a quarter of a century said,” what do people do for their 25th anniversary? A party or something?”
He’s all mine ladies. Has been for multiple lifetimes according to some. Let me explain.
Because I like to throw money away, I go to a lot of psychics and readers. One of these readers told me that Joe and I have been married before. Many times. During many lives.
Really? Us? I loved hearing it and yet instantly doubted it.
“That’s so funny because really we are like oil and water” I said,” very different”
The reader took both my hands (this was way before Covid) and looked me dead in the eyes.
“Oil and water? No no, that’s not right. You are oil and vinegar. You emulsified. Transformed. You are perfect together” she said.
I cried ofcourse. And gave her a big tip. All these years I walked around thinking we were oil and water. Never mixing. Two different to combine. She turned it upside down. Or maybe she right sided it. She may have been a total hoax, I’ll never know. I didn’t go back to her again. I was afraid the magic moment would never happen twice.
So today, to celebrate this union of salad dressing, I thought I’d share some moments from our 25 years. These pictures doesn’t show the fights and pain and anger and sorrow – which are in between these happy moments.
It’s been good and bad and better and worse. It’s been everything you can probably imagine and everything you’ll never know. Thanks for letting me share.
How it started…
90s dorm room fashion! Denim on DenimHe went to an empty classroom and surprised me with this. I walked out of my class to go to the next one and he was there, waiting to show this to me. Creepy and cuteSo many questions with this one. 1) Why did we feel the need to take a pic in front of Walmart? 2) We brought a camera to Walmart? 3) Who the heck took the pick?
We graduate and elope!
May 12, 1996, East Hampton NYThis is where our honeymoon pic should be. But because we eloped so quickly the first trip my new husband took was with his best friend to London and Amsterdam. Every new marriage should start with a trip apart. NotThis was a year later. Our honeymoon trip to Bermuda. I look at this pic and only see my healthy, shiny hair. I have issues.
This next set of pics is called – BABIES HAVING BABIES (on purpose)
Kera in my big belly, our NYC railroad apartment Sure! Stand in the middle of Lexington Ave in NYC with a newborn in your hand. Totally safe. You’re in good hands baby girl! Jack in my big belly, Fishkill, NY
Since it’s my Jubilee (said like Elaine says fiancé on Seinfeld), I’m going to be indulgent and keep sharing…
Joe told us he was taking us to tour Martha’s Vineyard. In reality we toured all the spots they filmed the movie Jaws. I was less than pleased. Brussels for the day. We took the metro from Paris. Everyone spoke English. Ugly sweater contest that I won but my neighbor stole the votes (I know what you did Jeff!)I now like a beach thanks to this man. I also like an umbrella, a visor, and SPF 100.One of my favorite pictures. Nothing makes him happier than a belly full of steak. I think I had creamed spinach that night. Thanks for nothing Peter Lugers.
The years, the months, the hours. I remember every minute of it, and yet it’s a blur! From the missteps we made, to the mountains we moved together, I’m so happy we went for it.
So the last post was about unwanted conversations and maybe this is part 2? Or a prequel? It’s connected for sure.
I don’t know what’s going on but I’m finding myself much less willing to chit chat.
I’ve never loved small talk but lately I have no use for it.
Last week I joined a call early and found myself alone with someone I barely know at work. She started the usual weather convo and I just couldn’t do it.
I asked her how she survived Covid. Did she get sick? Did she know anyone that did? Does she live alone?
Let’s just say she was surprised by the direction of the conversation. I think her response was,” yeah it’s ok” before someone else joined and she was put out of her misery.
Maybe it’s because last year brought me all the feels. Sadness. Anger. Stillness. Joy. How am I expected to come out of a Global Pandemic and a social justice juggernaut unaffected?
I can’t talk to you about weather! We were just in a fox hole making banana bread to avoid the news. Don’t you have PTSD when you look at puzzles like I do? We’ve changed together haven’t we?
I want to know more about you. And faster.
Did you spend last year alone? Or where you trapped with your family?
Did you think it was a hoax? Or did you wash delivered groceries in the garage with gloves on?
Did you get a pet or a therapist or both? I need to know.
Are you like me, feeling optimistic and ready to party? Or are you still cautious and taking it slow?
I sound like a lot. Maybe I’m the unwanted conversation now.
I don’t want to sound cheesy and say that I’m appreciating things more and enjoying things more – but I kinda am.
I still don’t want to hear an Uber driver tell me his deepest darkest racist thoughts. But I do want to get to know my people more.
And by my people I mean the ones in my life. For whatever reason. Work. Friendship. Family. I’m done with small talk. That’s PC to me. Pre-Covid.
Some of you won’t notice a change at all – because we’ve always gone deep. But others I admit I can do better with.
I have always been a pretty forthcoming person. I’m a bad liar so I avoid it most of the time, which is a good thing. But I’m also bad about bringing up tough stuff. I have a habit of keeping things “light”. I want to change that up a bit. I mean there will still be time for vapid, silly rabbit holes about Bravo shows and I’ll never let go of Tik Tok – but it’s time for balance, I think.
I hereby pledge to not ask surface, generic questions. I promise to listen – really listen – not just think of a response as you’re talking. I promise to ask more things about you and talk less about me. And I promise not to take you for granted. Not for a minute. I’ve missed our time together and if we get it back – I’m using it better.
Don’t be scared. It sounds intense but it won’t be. It’ll just be Big Talk. Deep Talk. Fun Talk. Sad Talk. Real Housewives Talk. Anything but Small Talk.
Heard it yesterday from a not-that-old wise woman in my life.
It fits so much of what I struggle with sometimes. All the time.
Why am I buying milk (or milk substitute in my case) from the hardware store?
It’s not the store’s fault. The store has told me very clearly what they sell. Hammers, nails, tools etc. Why do I keep walking in expecting other things?
I’m not really talking about milk. Or hardware stores. But you knew that.
I’m talking about people, I’m talking about jobs, about relationships, and situations. I’m talking about my day to day shock and awe when someone or something turns out exactly as advertised. No surprises.
I’m an optimist, I think. Actually I’m a wanna be optimist. I want to believe that everything has a best intention and that if it goes South, well, that is not the norm.
Back in 1991 I fell in love with a dude who is most certainly not an optimist. He’s suspicious. Of everything. And everyone. All the time. He expects things to go South…daily. Forget milk. This is the guy who thinks the hardware store isn’t even a hardware store. I believe it comes from his upbringing. I wonder if we surveyed all the people who grew up in New York City or any city, we’d find similar traits. Last week a can opener went missing and he was convinced it was “stolen”. By who? Why? Where? Can’t find a screwdriver? Probably stolen.
In the last few decades we’ve rubbed off on each other. He’s become surprisingly upbeat. He’s opened up to being very social and outgoing. The person who would dread dinners and plans with people, now loves them. He’s rubbed off on me too. I’m a bit more skeptical and cautious. Not a bad thing.
I grew up in a bubble. The bubble was made up of carbs and sitcoms. When I left that bubble I went to the movies. Not to see gritty dramas about life in the mean streets, no no no. I went to go see every cheesy teen flick that came out. This was before rotten tomatoes started ruining my good time. I saw tons of rotten movies. Loved every minute.
So the part of my brain that should have developed some hard lessons about life and people and reality basically played 80’s theme songs in a loop. Vapid but happy.
Junior and senior year of high school were different. Different people. Different experiences. Carbs and sitcoms replaced by… well… other things.
Those are the years I started my slow and steady stockpile of expectations. A long list of demands from the universe and everyone in it. I wanted. I deserved. I demanded.
Sometimes it worked. Most times it didn’t. But I kept it up.
Those lists of demands only grew when I had kids. Oh boy did they grow.
Once they came I couldn’t imagine anyone not being completely taken with them. Who wouldn’t want to spend all their time with my angels?? Turns out…lots of people. Not everyone is cut out to show the amount of love and attention you expect people to shower your kids with. Most are capable of the minimum. But I didn’t get that. I loved the people who loved my kids. End of story. It was a simple equation for me. If you didn’t make time for them, there was no time for you.
It was harsh. Too harsh. I didn’t know that those people, the ones who never checked in on my kids, the ones who treated them like side props, I didn’t know that that was the best they could do. They didn’t know they had to do more. No one ever told them. They had no milk. If that’s what I needed, I had to look elsewhere. Didn’t mean they were bad people. It just meant they had different things to offer me.
Oh the hours of mental torture I could have saved myself if I just let it go! I’m not saying be a pushover. It’s good to have expectations of people and situations- I have LOTS of expectations. And standards. I still have a very high level that I need people, places and things to meet. But not all people. Not all things. It’s freeing to realize that my level of demands and expectations has a wall. It cannot and will not always be met.
Maybe that job won’t ever realize your worth? Maybe you’ll have to leave. Maybe that partner you have will never want to travel to Africa, go with a friend instead. Maybe we can’t expect it all in one place or thing or person. It’s frustrating. I want the all-in-one model. The Target, the Wal-Mart model. But there are no all-in-one people. No all-in-one jobs. There is no all-in-one life.
This is not revolutionary thinking. You’ve heard this all before. But I always need a reminder when I find myself slipping, being angry.
I have to take a moment and think. I have to make sure. Make sure I’m walking down the right aisle. Make sure I’m in the right store. Sometimes I am. When I’m not – I leave. There are other options.
I’ve been off work for a few glorious days. I hope you’re taking some time for yourself too. It’s been great.
I started rewatching a lot of videos from my favorite self-helpie stars. Gary V, Simon Sinek, Brene Brown and even a little Tony Robins for old times sake. I’ve been desperate for positivity and optimism. My new favorite is Tabitha Brown (that’s yo bizzzness).
I love reading and watching their pithy, no nonsense advice. I can feel myself getting smarter and more zen by the minute. It’s great. Check them out if you haven’t already.
But this isn’t an appreciation post. This is a complaint.
Yes… I spent vacation getting enlightened and I’ve got some issues. Ok just one issue.
Each of them has a quote or a video or an article on why you shouldn’t expect things from others. The basic lesson is that the reason you’re (I’m) let down is because of the expectations set for those around us. Stop doing it they say. You’ll be happier they say. You’ll find it easier to get along with people.
Well duh.
Sooooo I’m not supposed to expect anything from you? Or you? Or me?
Fuuuuuucccckkk that.
Excuse my French.
Here’s the thing. I expect a lot from myself. I expect kindness, and patience, and tolerance, forgiveness, and so much more. I expect shit from myself. I am not allowed just to be my sloth-like, bitter self. No sir. You deserve better from me. And I know it!
So why oh why can’t I expect shit from you??
I don’t want to go around wanting nothing from people. That’s what I was taught growing up. It was MY job to make things right. It was MY job to make sure people felt good. And I was up for the task. I worked hard at all my expectations. I did done good.
But after all that I feel very comfortable saying that I expect shit from people. I just do. You don’t get a free pass. Ok, maybe you did for 20 odd years while I came to terms with the fact that I deserve what I give. All of it. And if I don’t get it? Well, bye girl. On to the next one.
This notion that we shouldn’t hold others to standards and aspirations is bonkers.
I’m not crazy. I know not everyone is thinking and acting like me. That’s fine. I’ll keep doing me. But I can limit the exposure I have to people who choose to not give a shit about me or the ones l love. I don’t have to eat their selfishness. I can bucket it. Give it the two or three minutes it deserves and move on.
There are people in my life that hold themselves to the same standards – sometimes higher! There are people in my life I aspire to be. That’s what I want.
I do not want to be complicit in this idea that I can’t demand the people around me be kind, and tolerant, and patient and demanding.
Why can’t we expect things from people? Why can’t we want to be treated and loved as we treat and love?
I’m no longer interested in passive, vapid relationships. I did that for a long time. Cause I’m nice. And I don’t want to hurt your feelings. And I’m a coward. Let’s be honest. I’m a chicken shit and I don’t like to make trouble.
But trouble is real. And if I’m real, I can admit that I expect things from you.
By the way, I’m not talking about birthday cards and phone calls. I’m horrible at both.
I have friends I don’t talk to often, some that I haven’t talked to in years. But they send a quick note if they hear things are bad.. or good. I get a text or an IM with a good wish. I try to do the same. Is it mandatory? No. Is it something I want in a friend? Yep.
I also have friends I talk to daily. My expectations of them are totally off the charts! Different than the folks I just text once a year. But I want them to hold me to a standard too. That’s how it should be.
What is this free-flowing, expect nothing relationship that’s so great for us? It’s a hoax. Doesn’t exist.
Everything isn’t easy. Everything isn’t a meme or a tweet. Real things require commitment. Require bending. It’s ok. It doesn’t mean you are losing or somehow inferior.
Expectations aren’t negative shackles – they are goal posts. There’s nothing wrong with wanting more, from people, from situations, and from yourself.
You’re not a delicate flower. And the people around you aren’t either.
I’m sorry Brene, and Simon and Gary. I love you all but I’m not buying the whole “expect nothing and never be disappointed” vibe.
Don’t worry. I’m not going to go through everything that happened to me in the last 10 years. But I thought it would be fun to do some non sequiturs. Fun maybe over promising…. but here goes:
At the beginning of this decade I had an 11 and 6 year old. Next week that 11 year old leaves for her last semester, senior year in California. The 6 year old is learning how to parallel park. The dingo ate my babies
Chickpeas love olive oil. It’s true. Alison Roman taught me that. And Brad from Bon Appetit taught me more than I ever wanted to know about fermentation. Yes… kimchi… we get it we get it. In the last year I’ve nearly stopped watching Food Network (except Ina ofcourse). Who needs it?! NYT Cooking and Bon App have YouTube shows that actually show you how to cook! It’s a revelation. Everything I’ve made this year that’s impressed anyone came from those two places. Closely tied for third… King Arthur Flour Instagram and Smitten Kitchen Instagram. Do yourself a favor and carve out 5-9 hours to dive deep into those sites. It’s worth it
I went to far too many funerals.
But went to plenty of weddings too
I met some really good people
And met a few shitty ones too
We lost a cat. Santa brought 2 more. That bastard
My sister finally let the calendar go! What’s the calendar you ask?? Oh. I’ll tell you. In 2010, my sister made a calendar for the whole family as a Christmas gift. It was genius. No buying ridiculous things for people who will never use them- everyone gets a calendar. Through the years we’ve asked, no begged her, to rotate who gets to do the calendar. And every year she holds it hostage (yes it was her idea, what’s your point?). So imagine my extreme surprise when she said she no longer wanted to do it. Admittedly it was during a highly stressful time in her life. Juggling a newborn, job, life, etc. She was probably exhausted and tired when she said it. We should have said no… that’s your gift, you don’t really want to give it away…But guess what?! We didn’t. It was ours for the taking. I think we did a coin toss. I don’t remember. My cousin won it. I was devastated. But in a turn of highly fortunate events, she passed on it too! I was the winner! Or whatever you call the last one standing. Doesn’t matter. It’s mine. At least until 2030
I love to have people over. It’s a known fact. I’m always up for it. When I met my husband in 1991, he was… shall we say… slightly less social. It took a long long time to convert him. I’m proud to say that he’s almost more social than I am now. It’s a hosting miracle. I’m pretty good at it. I feel confident in my abilities to feed and welcome. But there are two people in my life that are freaking ninjas at it. I’m talking to you Katherine and Marcella! Holy moly. Next level hosting. That’s the badge they’d get. It’s not just about WHAT they put out. It’s HOW they put it out. And it doesn’t feel contrived or pushy. It just makes you feel taken care of. I’ll keep having people over and keep trying to be as cool as them. Trying
The girl gang was born. Our family welcomed the coolest, cutest, most savage set of girl babies in the last few years. Norah was first, followed by Reya, then the power twins – Jane and Catherine, and finally came Lila. Boys drool. Girls definitely rule. I’d show you pics but then I’d have to kill you
Speaking of girl gangs…no list of things that have happened to me in the last 10 years would be complete without mention of our annual, and now that our kids are older, biannual girls weekend! Two Aprils, lots of booze and non-stop laughing. It’s the best medicine for all my ails
When I picked my career and my life partner years ago, I had no idea both would take me to so many cool places. From Oktoberfest in Germany, or sitting in Grand Place in Brussels having a Leffe, to The Secret Lagoon in Iceland. It’s been a trip. Literally. What’s next? Can’t wait
Giving is better than getting. Liz K taught me that. She also made it ridiculously easy to do good in our neighborhood. Let me explain. All my life I’ve given to big causes. St. Judes, Unicef, etc. When there’s a major disaster, who gives? This guy, that’s who. But it felt… distant. Transactional. Which isn’t a bad thing. But 2 years ago I saw a Facebook post for a group called Neighbor in Need. A local mom had begun galvanizing help for women and families who lived in our surrounding area and who were having a hard time. It was/is everything from meal trains and small donations, to a holiday drive this past Christmas that helped hundreds of children. Here’s the beautiful thing. She makes it so easy. Don’t have time to cook? Venmo some money. Don’t have extra money? Offer to deliver one of the meals or pack supplies. It’s genius. We live in a really nice town. Most of our issues involve dog poop left on lawns (there’s a Dateline special coming up). But we have people among us that have real problems. Not enough food. Not enough resources. Invisible problems if you drive around town, or check out the town Facebook page. But Liz sees them. And she’s helped me see them too
Oh gel manicures. Why did you come into my life?? You’re easy. Fast. And you’ve destroyed my nail beds. I used to be a Ballet Slipper, short and square gal. Now I’m wearing Como Se Llama on long ovals! Who even am I? Well this past month it happened. My nails revolted. They’ve had enough. Now my nails look like they belong to a 3rd grade boy. Short. Nubby. Naked. It was my own fault. I have no one to blame but me. And OPI
Finally, I’m ending my decade with the same haircut that I began it in… except now I wear reading glasses. On top of my contacts. Joy
So there you go. Decade down. New one up to bat. This year holds big things for us too. A couple of weddings (so far), a graduation (my baby girl), and a few more laughs I hope. I started this blog because it made me happy. I hope you are still doing the things that make you happy too. Here’s to the roaring 20s! Peace and love, peace and love
I spent the day yesterday covered in flour (semolina and all purpose), and I was thrilled! A few weeks ago, at a neighborhood party, I found out that two of my lovely neighbors, Larry and Marcela, knew how to make pasta from scratch. I started asking a lot of questions and then blurted out,” would you teach me?” They agreed and our day of “not ready” pasta or pasta non pronto came together.
We did what any normal, food obsessed people would do. We had a meeting to talk through what we would make. The types of pasta, the sauces, the wine…. oh there would be wine!
There would be 3 different pasta courses. Ravioli, spaghetti, and fettuccine. The ravioli would be stuffed with pumpkin and served with a butter sage sauce. The spaghetti would be served cacio e pepe, which translates to “cheese and pepper” and the fettuccine would have a fra diavolo sauce – which means “among the devil”, it’s a spicy sauce with seafood. To break up the courses we’d start with salad, then some homemade meatballs as apps and then 3 courses of pasta. This is the anti-Keto dinner people. If you’re afraid of carbs… don’t come a knocking.
But before we feasted – we cooked! Oh boy did we cook… here’s a look at my favorite day this year! Words wouldn’t do it justice, so here’s the photos…
Humble beginnings That filling was so good we could have just eaten it with a spoon and we might have. Have you ever seen anything prettier? Little pockets of perfectionMy two fabulous teachers. A pecan, sage, garlic butter sauce to die for, and the lovely chef who made it!
And now… we eat!
We ate the spaghetti cacio e pepe before I could take a pic… but it existed. And it was amazing.
This is my happy pasta face….
If you can, find some generous, loving people who want to spend a Sunday cooking pasta with you..that’s my happy face.
Ps. My 16 year old son opted out of the fresh pasta and requested this type of pasta for his dinner. Kraft pasta pronto 🙂
August. You crazy, nutty bitch. You’ve given and you’ve taken away. You’ve made me insanely happy and insanely sad. At the end of this year, when I think about all the best times and the worst times – I’ll think of you.
I’ll think of my daughter finishing up a summer in New York City doing an internship. She loved the work. She loved the city. She loved her roommate. Every time I spoke to her I heard excitement and confidence. I don’t know what I would have done if a child of mine hadn’t loved the city that I love. I would have gotten over it, sure. But I would have held a grudge, truthfully. I would have looked at her with a raised eyebrow…. what’s there not to love? But thankfully she felt exactly the same way I feel. Her exit interview with the CEO included an offer for her to come back and work there. Ofcourse it did. Who wouldn’t want her? A high high for sure. This is her below – one in from the left..the one with the big smile on her face.
When she finished with that internship and finally came home, we all went away for our annual summer vacation. This year, to Iceland. It seemed more like a week on the moon. Beautiful. Striking. Gorgeous. Everywhere you turned looked like a green screen version of reality. Even now, when we look at photos – they look fake. And the country is as friendly as is it beautiful. We spent a week exploring, climbing, hiking, swimming, eating and sometimes fighting (let’s be honest). But it was still perfect. Another high high.
While my girl was spending her summer bulking up her LinkedIn profile, my son spent the summer learning how to surf. He never took a formal lesson (to my chagrin), he just learned from friends. He fell in love with it. Which made total sense. He’s a great swimmer, he loves his skateboard….ofcourse he’d love surfing! It all added up. Once he’d had his fill of beach trips he started looking for a job. I suggested he take a lifeguard class, and miraculously, he agreed. He passed the class and got a job as a lifeguard at a local cougar haunt..errr I mean gym. My little baby boy was going to save lives! Ok…not really. But he was going to watch little brats while their parents got drunk at the pool bar – that’s something to be proud of right? The kid who I have to sometimes remind to brush his teeth, got a job. He had to fill out a W9! What is happening here??!! A high for sure.
I have one more little high. My work team got together for an offsite. We met for a day of eating and drinking and swimming. No agenda. No work talk (that wasn’t juicy gossip). Just fun. It’s a humbling, lucky thing to get along with the people you work with. It’s a miracle to like them. Maybe even love them! This group of people that I work with makes the job feel like fun. And we’ve been through some ugly times. I mean…ugly. But at the end of the day – we stick together. I can’t imagine my time at this company without them. High high! This pic isn’t from this year but I love it.
So that leaves the low. The low low.
And it really was the lowest low.
About a year and a half ago, my husband’s aunt was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer.
Let me back up.
Mary Ohl was born Mary Dahill – we all called her Dee Dee. Sister to Terry and Peggy. Mother to her boys. Wife to Dennis and then Walter (or Teddy, as we know him).
Fiery redhead and New York City hellraiser, she spent her early years drinking, working and causing overall havoc. Eventually she settled down – had her boys – and became a nurse.
By the time I met her, she had already retired. She was no longer a nurse. She no longer drank. No longer raised havoc – atleast not in the bars in the city. By the time I met her – she was a devoted mother to her son Dennis. Dennis was born with a form of retardation that she never actually explained to any of us. All we knew was that he was special needs, but I’m not sure we could ever verbalize what he had. Which is exactly how she liked it. She told me once that during Dennis’ early years, she tried to ignore his disability. She pretended it didn’t exist. She ignored it. She had a ton of guilt about those fuzzy years that were drowned in alcoholism and dysfunction.
It wasn’t until she got sober that she found her true calling. To give Dennis a life. A big, full, complete life. She spent over two decades researching every resource avialable to him, every opportunity due him. She joined national organizations, gave speeches, helped find programs to help him – anything she could do to solidify his independance, she did. She even helped other parents find the same resources she found.
Today, Dennis is a happy, nurtured man. He has a job. He lives on his own (with some angels who take care of him). He makes his own decisions and choices. He loves music and he loves to dance, like his momma.
As a mother, I think I’m doing all I can to make my kid’s lives better. I usually feel pretty good about it – until I compare it to what Dee Dee did. The cold, hard focus she had to make sure he had everything owed to him was and is a lesson.
She was amazing. She had a wicked sense of humor, she was overly generous but at the same time – she held a mean grudge. She laughed hard. She yelled hard. She was a dycotomy, like all amazing people are.
We found out about her Cancer from other people. She never called or told anyone. In fact she was pretty pissed when we all showed up to her hospital room before her surgery. Even then she pretended all was well, annoyed that we were making such a big fuss about it.
The day she came out of her surgery, she started planning Dennis’ 50th Birthday party. And boy was it a party!
12 months after that, a few weeks after Dennis’ 51st birthday party, she took a downturn. There’s a Tom Petty song that I think of whenever I think of her….it’s called “Swingin”. The line in the song is, “..and she went down….swinging”. That’s Dee Dee. Swinging.
We came back from Iceland on Saturday. We went to go see her on Sunday. She passed a day later. The lowest low. The bottom of the lows. An angry low. I didn’t realize how angry I’d be. I hated them all. The hospital. The doctors. The oncologist. The social workers. The nurses. I felt like they all betrayed her. Betrayed all of us. Why didn’t they prepare us for how quickly things would go downhill? Why didn’t they tell us how drastic the road would be? It was a low low low.
But, in all honesty, I think if you would ask her, she wouldn’t agree. She lived on her own terms. She did exactly what she wanted to do. She never ever followed advice or listened to anyone – stubborn to the end. She lived every day after her diagnosis by her own terms. Her rules. She was a force of nature. And nature is beautiful and destructive and unpredictable. It all makes sense. It’s probably exactly as she planned it.
August is over. September is here. This weekend our family will celebrate new babies coming this fall and spend time planning a happy wedding next summer. The weekend after that we continue the celebration with another family wedding, and the happy times continue. Just like Dee Dee would want them to.
Here’s to the high highs and even the low lows. I hope they never end.
This quote by Aldous Huxley was posted by a good friend a few weeks ago. Besides the fact that we are legit living Brave New World, I’d forgotten how much I loved his writing.
I sent the quote to my kids immediately. They’re used to it. I’m always sending them videos or quotes or things I need to make sure they see and know. Not sure it ever sinks in but I’m calling it an effort and checking my parenting box for the day. Sometimes that’s all I have the energy for.
“Lightly, lightly”…. it is the best advice.
I think about it at work. At home. On social media.
I’m pretty good about not overthinking. Obsessing. I don’t have too many talents but one has always been that I can walk away from anything or anyone that makes me feel bad. I’m not into it.
Someone said to me that I’m always in a good mood. That’s not true. I’m always trying to be in a good mood. I see no point in being miserable. I also think it’s almost always a choice. Unless there’s abuse involved or if you’re a young child – you can choose to not be miserable. At least try.
I know it’s easier said than done. I know there’s a lot of competition for joy out there. Everyone’s got their own definition of what joy looks like. That’s ok. Because there’s enough for everyone. It’s abundant. Your joy may come from hiking a mountain, mine comes from Bravo. Doesn’t make it any less or more joyful.
Don’t let the quick sands drag you in. Don’t scroll Instagram or Facebook and be angry. You’re using it wrong. Don’t blame the game. Use it for what you want it for. Walk away from the rest.
Same goes for people. There are a lot of people in the world. A lot. Like everyone else, I’ve found some good people and I’ve found some duds. The duds have to go. Doesn’t matter if they’re friends or family. It doesn’t mean that they are evil or bad or that they’ve done me wrong in any way. I just can’t carry their weight. Too heavy. Too hard.
I also know that I’m a dud in someone else’s story. I get it. I’m ok with it.
I’ll keep reading this quote. Maybe you will too❤️
I’m still stressed. This means I’m still cooking. Except this time I’m testing out a recipe for a bbq we are hosting this weekend (Ironically I’m not stressed about this at all, although I should be since we have ordered, cleaned, bought nothing for it). Anyway, if there’s one thing I’ve learned as a life long vegetarian it’s that bbqs mean meat. Usually even the veggie burger is cooked in a nice layer of beef fat left over on the grill. So this time – instead of a vegan veggie friendly recipe… I’m working on ribs. Baby back ribs.
Nothing reduces stress like smelling pork for 4 hours… I read that on a pillow.
I followed about 4 different recipes that I mashed up.
Basically you take a rack of baby back ribs… make sure your babies have some fat to them. This isn’t a time for lean mean pork ribs.
A dry rub needs to go on overnight (or two). You can mix any of the following: salt, onion powder, garlic powder, a packaged mix – like I did. BUT the key is this… add a cup of brown sugar to whatever mix you end up with. I also added a dash of cayenne to shake shit up.
Once marinated – bring to room temperature. Fully. I’m talking 2 hours outside on the counter hanging out. Do it.
Preheat your oven to 250 and add a cup of chicken stock and 2 tablespoons of any vinegar you have to the pan. I used white wine vinegar. These two things help the cooking/tenderizing process – according to Alton Brown circa 1997. Here’s the rub I used if you’re curious.
Cover tightly and leave it alone in your heated oven for 2.27 hours (I only tested this with one rack of ribs so 3 hours was too long and 2 seemed too short. 2.27 seemed right).
This is what it will look like. Mine came apart when I tried to lift it. A good sign.
Don’t get rid of the juices on the bottom. Strain and add to your favorite bbq sauce. My family loves this one. I haven’t found anything veggie to put bbq sauce on so I have no idea if it’s really good or if my family just has simple tastes – both could also be true.
Smother on the sauce and grill on high. Shouldn’t take long.
Baste, grill, repeat.
Cut them up like porky, sticky lollipops and you’re done!
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