Top 10 rules for 16 year old drivers that happen to be my daughter

My daughter turns 16 in a few weeks. My daughter turns 16 in a few weeks. My daugh…sorry.  I’m a little spooked. How is this possible? Wanna know something even stranger – she’ll be driving a car soon. DRIVING a car. My baby. On a road.

My husband’s been taking her for test drives, I’ve done a couple of tours with her myself – and it’s all good. She’s careful. She’s smart. She’ll be fine (but did I mention she was a baby?).  I’m coming to grips with it. Cause you know, it’s all about me.

But sometimes, I drive around try and imagine her in one of the cars on the road with me.  This freaks me out even more.  In my head she’s driving really well. Not texting. Seat belt on. Focused.  All good. But then I look at all the other drivers on the road with my daughter in her imaginary car.  I start cursing at the Blue Honda swirving in and out of lanes, and at the truck that’s going way too fast for the curvy road we’re on. I’m fuming at them for being on the same road with my imagination. By the time I get home I decide my daughter will never be let out of the house again.

And by the way, I’m the laid back parent. The go-with-the-flow parent.  If my husband and I were to make lists of the most important things my daughter needs to remember about driving, here’s what our two lists would look like. Guess which list is mine?

Photoneha*

Come on. Admit it. You check for murderers in your backseat too right? Right?

 

*I wrote half this post on my ipad and the other half on my phone. I couldn’t figure out a way to get the list from one to the other when I combined the two – and my iclouds aren’t working or something. So sorry about the weird photo/insert thingie.

 

 

Nobody cares. Work harder.

Well that’s not exactly true. Lots of people care, but I really should work harder. Here’s how I came to this aha! moment (I speak your name Oprah!).
I was in the middle of a whining tirade this morning, complaining about the usual stuff people complain about (oh my job, my house , my blah blah blah) when a good friend said,” nobody cares, work harder.
Geez. Fine.
There are days when this advice would have made me crawl up and go back to bed, or cry in a corner. There are days when I would have said,” F you! I deserve to vent and fume.”
But today, it’s what I needed to hear. There’s no time for tucking into self-pity. What am I an infant? I need to be soothed? Come on! I’m no martyr. Atleast 4 times a day I almost buy a vanilla latte . How bad could things be? Answer: not bad at all.
So tuck that in your pocket or purse for a rainy day. Don’t say I never gave you anything. Good night.

Forever got a lot shorter all of a sudden

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My beloved made me a pb&j for lunch today. But I ate it on the train. It had to be done.

Know what I think about every single time I eat a pb&j sandwich?  The scene in St. Elmo’s Fire when Billy comes to see Wendy in her new apartment and asks her how it’s going.  She smiles and says that she woke up in the middle of the night last night and made herself a sandwich and …

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There’s something wrong with me right?  Or do you think about that too? 1985 was a good year for cheesy movies you can quote for the rest of your life.  I can rattle off a ton of quotes from that movie, “love is an illusion, but it’s the only illusion that counts.” How about when Jules turns to Billy and says,” you break my heart, but then again, you break everyone’s heart.”  Who needs Wikipedia? Not me.

Don’t even make me start singing Man in Motion, cause I will.

 

Wait, what?

As a blogger I get lots of “helpful” emails. You know, with suggestions on how, what and who to write about. It’s awesome. I also get the usual snarky comments. Those are awesome too. My favorite was an email telling me that I’m using the word awesome wrong. Awesome.
Anyway I’m open to all commentary. When a helpful reader sent me a clip of a New York Times article on the abuse of the em dash (-), I didn’t take offense – and I certainly didn’t stop using it – ahem.
But last week I got an email telling me to stop putting two spaces after a period. This helpful, anonymous reader informed me that I no longer have to follow that golden rule.
Wait. What?
She even sent me a helpful illustration.

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Apparently when I learned to type, on an actual typewriter in the dark ages known as the 80s, the rules were based on spacial issues – not right and wrong. Typewriter letters were in monospace (all letters get the same amount of room) and smarty party computer letters are in proportional space (different letters need different amounts of room). Basically, more letters fit within a given space. And because this reader obviously knows me, she sent me a picture to illustrate.

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So boom.
The rule is no longer needed. Did you all know this? Did I miss this announcement? Was there a tweet? The only people who use two spaces anymore are the same people who still leave voicemail messages. ME!
All those red marks from all those teachers that programmed me to leave two spaces after punctuation are non-existent.
Thanks for nothing Mrs. Manning. 2nd grade was almost unnecessary. Ok, got it. I’ll catch-up. My new world is about twerking, getting semi-nude to board a plane and Ebola – awesome.

Calm Down

I was really excited about the new show How to Get Away With Murder , mainly because I love Viola Davis. I’ve loved her since the movie Doubt. If you’ve never seen that movie, please – stop reading this post and go watch it. Now.
Anyway I was looking forward to it. I was also hoping/thinking that it would maybe be in the vein of Murder, She Wrote. Remember that show?Angela Lansbury

Angela Lansbury solving crime and riding bikes around scenic New England towns. Good times. And Ofcourse I knew it wouldn’t really be like that. It’s produced by Shonda Salacious Rhimes. Her shows are sex, drugs, rock-and-roll – not tea and scones. Olivia Pope would kick Jessica Fletcher’s ass and then go sleep with the President. But maybe, just maybe this new show would be more understated, a little more subdued then her others.

Umm nope. The first two episodes included murder (to be expected), adultery (the new accessory for powerful women on TV), a raging college campus full of suspected rapists and druggies, a corrupt law firm, corrupt lawyers , corrupt law students, gay sex (good for them), stereotypical threatening frat boys, stereotypical know-it-alls, and yes – even a doe-eyed optimist who literally has his mouth open in shock the whole time. It’s so full of action and deceit that it’s kinda boring. Know what I mean? The writing is good – lots of quotable lines. One of my favorites delivered by a Gilmore Girls alum (oh Rory and Lorelai, I miss you). Remember snooty, mean, icy-on-the-outside-but-good hearted Paris? In this show, Paris grew up, lost any trace of her warmth, gave into her dark side and became a cynical, cold lawyer. When one of the students tries to talk to her, she says,” I know I look nice, but that’s just my face.” Ha! Classic Paris…errr I mean this new character.

It’s a good show. But geez, can’t we pace ourselves? I know the New York Times got into trouble by referring to the show’s lead as another angry black woman. But she really is angry. I mean she’s pissed, from the very first shot. It’s like you can’t be smart, effective and interesting unless your sneering.

Maybe I went into it wrong. Angela Lansbury f’d me up. I’ll give it another shot – or two. But someone needs to give Shonda Rhimes a hug. And then take her to New England on a bike ride. That’s all I’m saying.

S&M Skin Care

Exfoliating is life. We’ll, family is life – but for me, exfoliating comes close. I’m a pretty disloyal product person. I find something good, I fall in love, then there’s a general malaise where we drift apart – and then in the words of Jay-Z, I’m on to the next one. I cannot sustain a meaningful relationship with my beauty products. I’m not like that with make-up, I’ve committed to the same bronzer/blush for over 8 years now. It’s the one for me.

I know I’ve told you before, but I like a rough cleanser. I like a rough facial. I love me some chemical peeling action. If layers of skin could fall of by using this product, it’s the one for me. Ironically I don’t like a rough massage. The kind you have to medicate to recover from, I also don’t like rough-housing. Please don’t tackle me, shove me, or push me. I wouldn’t enjoy that. When my husband and I had just started dating, he once threw me into a big pile of garbage in NYC and started laughing hysterically. There had been a blizzard so it looked like a mound of fresh, clean snow. But he knew what was under there. Garbage! I didn’t talk to him for a week. Now that I’m writing this I’m getting angry again. My point is – my skin is more laid back then me.
Last week I splurged and bought a pricier cleaner than I would normally. But I couldn’t help myself. The back of it said,” Caution, may cause skin to tingle and flush. Stop using if you have sensitive skin.” Shhhhh you had me at Caution.

Here’s the product – Kate Somerville’s Exfolikate. A harsh cleanser with a sense of humor. I tried it. I’m in love. For now.

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Picture Imperfect

We finally had another book club meeting tonight. It’s been a long, bookless summer. Because why would I read a book if I’m not getting credit for it? Duh.
We read Let’s Pretend This Never Happened by Jenny Lawson. If you read my post yesterday you’d know that I straight up crammed the book in about 24 hrs. I’m so happy I did. It was LOL funny. How can you not love a book that waxes poetic about taxidermy, miscarriages, and blogging. You don’t think they belong together, but they do. Did I mention that the author curses more than a truck driver? (And can we change that expression? I’ve never heard a truck driver swear. Maybe it should be “she swears more than the Kardashians).

Instead of meeting at a member’s house, we were invited to The Artist’s Cellar. You’ve seen these right? You wine, you paint, it’s all good.
We had a blast. Babes with Books (BWB) rocked it. Here’s me and the beautiful woman who created BWB (I think. I mean I KNOW she’s beautiful but I’m guessing about the other part). We took a selfie. It was her idea. Or mine.

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We had adorable instructors named Cayla, Cameo and Jessica and the place was awesome. Booze, loud gals and detailed instructions – what could go wrong?!

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Here’s my masterpiece in the making.

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As always with this group, we talked about the book…oh…for a hot second. And then we talked about psychics, grandkids, medication and other miscellaneous items of urgency. A good time was had by all.

Here’s the painting we were supposed to draw:

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Here’s what I drew:

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You don’t see four trees you say? That’s called creative license! It doesn’t have anything to do with four trees merging into two blobs that I had to make into trees. Stop judging me.
We had a blast.

And here’s some pictures I took while I should have been painting.

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BWB!!

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