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Dear Olympic Opening Ceremonies,

Where do I begin.  I’ll start where you started. Sheep. Actually you started with a short film, but I have literally nothing to say about it. I stuck with you for almost 5 hours.  The sheep were cute. How very English of you. Then began a mixed up, jumbled, mess that included everything from Kenneth Branagh reading Shakespeare (that part I liked) to the Queen jumping out of a helicopter with James Bond.  The only person more bored than me was Daniel Craig.

I really wanted to like it. I didn’t expect China. I didn’t even expect Sydney, Greece or Atlanta.  I even forgave the NBC commentary – oh sorry, that’s a lie – Matt Lauer and Meredith Viera were awful.  And Ryan Seacrest interviewing athletes? What did we do to deserve that? Was Bob Costas tied in a closet somewhere? Could we not find one person actually connected with sports?

Back to the actual ceremony.  I’ll skip complaining about the historical lesson via redecorating the stadium and go right to the worst part.  This may be because I’m bitter about our national heath care – but an entire 45 minute production about how much you love your medical plans seems, I dunno, batshit.

Then – to add to the creepiness – giant, scary balloon type monsters appear to herald all the great literature of England?? What?  No Alice, No Harry or Hermione.  Just Mary Poppins in all black.

Oh Danny boy…

By hour 3 I had given up and given in. I tried to tune to another channel – but I couldn’t do it. I had to watch the whole hot mess.  David Beckham in a speed boat without a speedo on? Of no use to me people. Flying/bicycle riding monkeys, musical mash-ups, and then finally – a predictable, flat-line performance of “Hey Jude”.  Why that song? So the audience could sing along? We are big Beatles fans in our house (huge) and even we were rolling our eyes.  By “we” I mean me. I was the only one hanging on by then. Everyone else had smartly gone on with their lives.

Sorry to be a pisser, as you say. Let me end with some positives.  I loved all the random shots of Wills and Kate. I could have watched an hour of them watching the ceremonies.  I loved the shots of the Queen during the singing of the National Anthem – frowning and wearing pink sparkles. Lovely. Mr. Bean was funny too. And expected. And welcome. And that’s about it.

Please note that this will in no way deter me from tuning in every day until the end. Then I’ll give you another chance with the closing ceremonies. By then I will have watched gymnastics, swimming, archery, beach volleyball, and fencing. I will have forgotten all about weirdo kids jumping on beds and the big multiculty statements you tried to make.  Lucky for you – like most of the world – I have terrible short term memory.

So thanks for the effort.  You didn’t earn a medal and I’m sure you know you screwed up, but we love you anyway.

Best,

Crabby blogger from the U.S.