Do you know what this map is? All red and pink and orange and scary? It’s the flu epidemic spreading across the country. I feel my throat closing up as I look at it. Lock up your kids! Don’t open your doors! Wash your hands with bleach! Just kidding. Don’t do that. Last night I went to CVS and there was a line out the door for flu shots. I was there for printer paper. Have you had your shot? Are you prepared for flu-mageddon? Did you buy stock in Purell? I don’t mean to make light of a very serious issue but I feel like we are being worked into a frenzy. Listen, I’ve seen my fair share of killer disease movies – the classic Outbreak with Dustin Hoffman and the monkey, Contagion with Gwyneth looking uber chic as she spread a virus across Asia- I know when I should be freaking out. Once I see military tanks roaming the streets to keep order and Will Smith is in town, I’ll panic.
By the way, from the look of the map, we all need to move to Idaho, Delaware or Maryland.